


you don't say nothing when you're feeling this way

by kadaransmuggler



Series: seven year ache [3]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans Benny, Trans Male Character, when trauma makes you confront how awful you've been to the people you love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 11:08:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15728178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadaransmuggler/pseuds/kadaransmuggler
Summary: Things got worse before they got better.But they got better.





	you don't say nothing when you're feeling this way

                Eli leaves again. Something about a radio signal for new beginnings, and Benny didn’t try to make him stay. He never does. If he’s being honest, he knows it’s a fight he won’t win, even if it feels like the courier takes his heart with him every time he goes, leaves it in broken pieces at the threshold.

* * *

Eli’s father moves into the Lucky 38 as soon as Arcade clears him. It had been long months in and out of the old fort, desperate to get sober, and Warren is five months old.

Benny was worried about having two addicts around his baby, but then, Jack is trying to get sober.

                Benny doesn’t know what ghosts Eli has, but they come back whenever he tries to get clean. He thinks the courier has given up by now, but he figures it ain’t none of his business. If it was, Eli would have told him. Opened up, maybe, or asked for advice, or anything other than the awful silence that had grown between them.

                All the wedding rings in the world wouldn’t bridge the gap between them.

                Benny tries to pretend that it isn’t killing him.

* * *

The man that comes back from the Sierra Madre is not the same man who walked into the abandoned bunker. When Eli saw the gates, he ran until he couldn’t run anymore, until he collapsed and breathed air that wasn’t tainted by the Cloud. He had found his bag outside the city, thrown away on the road. He’d grabbed it as he passed, determined to put as much distance between him and the toxic city as he could.

                His lungs stilled burned. He could still taste it, and it made him want to cut his tongue out of his mouth. Made him want to claw his skin off so there wasn’t a single trace left.

                With shaking hands, he strips out of the jumpsuit he’d woken up in. He doesn’t know why he’s shaking, not this time. Did he need chems? Or was it everything that he’d seen in the Madre that had done this to him?

                He doesn’t bother to button his shirt. He knows his hands wouldn’t let him.

                Eli takes a moment to get his bearings, to figure out how to get to Vegas from wherever he is. With the Pip-Boy on his wrist, it was easy, and then he was running again. He couldn’t move fast enough.

* * *

                It is night when he reaches Vegas. The Lucky 38 is silent as a tomb, and Eli wishes it didn’t double as one. What did it say of him, that he was raising his son here? He didn’t know if he wanted an answer.

                He takes the elevator up and finds that his bedroom is empty and unchanged save for a thin layer of dust on everything. He’d promised he’d quit leaving, and he wondered if he’d ever quit breaking that promise. Eli hadn’t ever made a promise he hadn’t broken.

                He shrugs out of his clothes and leaves them on the floor. The bath he runs is too hot, but Eli is so cold that he doesn’t notice as he slips beneath the water. He scrubs until his skin is raw and aching, and still, he can smell the Cloud clinging to his skin. He’d left his Pip-Boy on the bed, didn’t know if he could stomach looking at it.

                When he steps out of the bath, steam has fogged the mirror. His arm feels too heavy to wipe it off, and his movements are mechanical as he pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off.

                Eli had faced down dozens of things he thought he wouldn’t survive, but when faced with his empty bedroom, he knows that he won’t walk out of it again. He turns and pads into the kitchen instead.

                He thinks he should eat, but he knows he couldn’t even if he tried. Couldn’t drink, either, and that scared him more than anything. He hadn’t ever had a problem he couldn’t drink away before, but the thought of whiskey made him sick.

                Eli tries to sit down, but he starts scratching when he does, like he’s going to claw his way out of his own skin. Was it the Madre that had done this to him, or had the rest of his sins finally caught up with him?

                He lets out a tiny, broken sob, and it is only then that he realizes he can’t stand to be by himself.

* * *

                Eli knocks on Benny’s door and pushes it open before he can stop himself. It had been enough to wake Benny up, because when Eli steps over the threshold, the Chairman is starting to sit up.

                He shuts the door behind him, and after a moment of silent deliberation, he locks it. Any sleep he’d gotten in the Madre had come behind locked doors while Christine watched over him. He shivers when he thinks about it, and he crawls into the bed to make it stop.

                “Listen, I don’t have it in me right now. Come back in the morning and I might be able to go a round,” Benny says, so tired because the only reason Eli is ever in his bed is when he’s fucking him in it.  

                Eli just shakes his head and realizes he hasn’t spoken since he’d locked Elijah in the Vault. The thought sends another shudder through him, and he crumples, fisting his hands in Benny’s shirt and clinging.

                He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Benny brushes his tears away, shifting them both so he can hold him. Eli thinks Benny might be talking to him, murmuring reassurances or asking what’s wrong or something, but Eli can’t hear him over the roaring in his ears.

                He buries his face in Benny’s chest and holds on like he’ll die if he don’t.

* * *

                Morning dawns pale and grey over Vegas, light seeping in through the windows and falling across the bed. Benny shifts, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He feels oddly heavy, pinned down, but Warren had spent the night in the old fort with Arcade.

                He looks down to see Eli wrapped around him. The courier has his ear pressed right over his heart, and Benny can remember now the way he’d rooted around, like he needed to hear it beating.

                He looks peaceful, in his sleep. Young, too. Like he didn’t deserve any of the shit that had happened, from the bullets to the responsibility.

                It’s the first time Benny has ever seen it. He wonders if it’s the first time Eli’s ever slept around anyone else, with the way paranoia dogs the courier. He wonders if it is only him that Eli doesn’t want to sleep with, and the thought leaves a sour taste in the back of his mouth.

                The courier’s a heavier sleeper than Benny would have bet on, because it’s easy for him to untangle himself and slip out of the bed. A frown flits across Eli’s sleeping face, and he roots around in the bed until he reaches the edge, like he might have been looking for the warm body that had just left.

                Benny doesn’t stick around to watch, just grabs his clothes and starts pulling them on as he leaves the bedroom, the door cracked behind him.

* * *

              Eli wakes up alone. He remembers curling up with Benny, falling asleep with tears on his face, but the bed is empty and cold. For a moment, he forgets where he is, and races out of the bedroom with a lamp held like a bat in his hand.

                Benny sits on the couch, reading a newspaper. He’s wearing reading glasses, and it’s new enough that Eli wonders when he picked up the habit.

                “Going to start hitting me now?” Benny asks, voice cold, and Eli wonders why he bothered coming home at all. Maybe he should have stayed in the Madre with Christine and Dean. He puts the lamp down resolutely and doesn’t say anything, just walks across the room and curls up on the corner of the couch with his knees against his chest.

                Benny doesn’t say anything else, so Eli puts his chin on his knees.

* * *

                Eli doesn’t move for the rest of the day. After ten minutes, Benny starts to feel bad. Maybe he shouldn’t have said what he said, but he’s sick of the way he’s treated. He thinks about taking off his wedding ring, giving it back to Eli and telling him that they can try again when he’s done breaking promises.

                Because Benny loves him. He’s loved him since before he found out about Warren, but he hates the way how Eli breaks his heart over and over.

                Maybe he should have made it easy and pulled the trigger when Eli had intended, but that thought rankles under his skin as he goes downstairs to meet Arcade four hours later.

                He wishes he hadn’t brought a baby into this mess between them. Because it was his fault, wasn’t it? He was the one who should have gone to the clinic and gotten an implant, but he’d never thought about the risks that came with Eli.  

                Arcade could sense Benny’s bad mood a mile off, and the good doctor only raises an eyebrow and asks what the problem is this time.

                Benny takes his son in his arms and explains as quickly and painlessly as he can. It wasn’t like there was much to explain, but when Benny mentions the way Eli hasn’t said a word sense he got back, Arcade pushes past him and makes for the elevator.

                Benny follows because that’s all he knows to do.

* * *

                Eli doesn’t look up when Arcade enters, but he flinches when the door shuts. Arcade asks him questions in that gentle doctor voice he has, poking and prodding, but Eli doesn’t answer. Doesn’t move, either, just lets Arcade work.

                He looks up when Warren babbles, eyes on the ceiling fan above them. Something flickers across his face, and then he’s reaching for his son. For the first time, Benny hesitates to hand him over, until Arcade nods. He’s not stupid, and he knew when Eli came home that something was wrong.

                Eli smiles down at the baby, holding him close to his chest. He slides down a little on the couch, knees still up, but enough room for Warren to nap on his chest.

                “Do you know where he went?” Arcade asks, standing far enough away and speaking quiet enough that Eli wouldn’t be able to hear, not over the soft sounds of the radio in the background. Benny shakes his head.

                “Just told me something about a radio signal. Something about an offer to begin again,” he says, apologetic, and Arcade shakes his head.

                “Well, whatever he’s seen has traumatized him. I think he needs you right now, more than he needs any of his chems. I can keep Warren for you, if you want to try and help him. It may be what you need to bridge the gap between the two of you,” he offers, and Benny looks back at his son, hand drifting down to his stomach.

                He’d been alone for most of the pregnancy. Part of him wondered why he should drop everything because Eli needs him. He’d been needing Eli for a long time, and the courier was never there.

                “How could I even help?” Benny asks, pinching his nose between his fingers. He knows in that moment that he’ll send his son with his friend, at least for a few days. Besides, he trusts Arcade to bring him to visit, and it’s not like Warren needs to be around this, even if he’s too young to remember it.

                “Try to get him to eat and drink some water. Try to get him to talk, too. Just…show him you’re there for him, and that it’s okay to be vulnerable,” Arcade says.

                Benny thinks about earlier with a pang of regret. But maybe the good doctor was right.

                It’s time to bridge the gap between them, and stop living with an uneasy truce.

* * *

                Arcade sticks around long enough to help Benny cook up a decent meal before he takes off. Eli doesn’t protest when he takes Warren, just holds on long enough to kiss his son on the forehead before he watches him go.

                Benny curls up on the couch next to him, and reaches out to take his hand.

                “Do you think you could eat for me?” Benny asks. Eli frowns, examining his hand in Benny’s. His knuckles are bruised. He doesn’t remember when that happened.

                “Don’t know if I can. Think I might get sick,” he says, voice raspy, and Benny can’t help but smile. One step at a time.

                “How about some water, then?” he asks, and Eli nods. Benny brings him a glass, and it’s a herculean effort for Eli to open his mouth and drink it. But he does it.

                He unfolds himself from the couch, reaching out for Benny. This time, Benny follows, slipping his hand into Eli’s and linking their fingers together.

                Eli leads them back to Benny’s bedroom, and Benny takes the lead, sitting on the bed. He holds his arms out for Eli, but the courier hesitates.

                “Can I…touch you?” he asks, and Benny knows what kind of touching he means. He wants to scream, to yell, to tell Eli he’s not allowed to ever touch him again because Benny’s still sick of only getting attention from the courier when they fuck.

                Instead, he nods.

                Eli crawls forward then, all needy kisses and soft touches, his hand skimming up Benny’s chest underneath his shirt. They stay like this for several long moments, just kissing, just touching, and Benny knows this is different than anything else they’ve done. Usually, Eli’s inside him by now.

                Eli’s the one who makes the next move, hooking his fingers in the waistband of Benny’s pants and pulling them off in a practiced movement, bringing his boxers with them. He drops them at the side of the bed, and trails kisses up Benny’s thighs.

                This is new, too, but Benny finds every complaint he might have had leaving as Eli stops between his legs, breath skating across his skin, an unspoken question in his eyes. Benny nods, eager, and Eli starts to lick. Light, tentative touches at first, mapping out Benny’s responses.

                Benny makes a hoarse sound when Eli trails his tongue up the underside of his clit. Eli pulls back enough to grin up at him and scoot closer before he does it again. He keeps it up until Benny tangles his hand in his hair, and then he moves down lower, tongue teasing at the edge of his hole.

                Benny realizes they haven’t fucked since he gave birth. Eli’s tongue slips inside, and his hips buck up involuntarily. Life is coming back to the courier, a wicked gleam in his eyes as he fucks Benny with his tongue. Benny would take this any day over the hollow and empty look that had been in Eli’s eyes earlier.

                He stops before Benny can come, and silences his whine with a kiss. His fingers replace his mouth with light teasing touches, and Eli trails kisses down his neck.

                “I wanna make you feel good,” he breathes, and Benny shivers. Eli keeps him on the edge for what feels like hours, slowing down when Benny gets too close. Benny’s got half a mind to reach down there and take care of it himself, but Eli moves back between his legs before he can.

                Eli hollows his lips around Benny’s clit (nearly two inches long now, and fuck if Benny ain’t proud of it, even if he’d had to have his hormone implant removed when he got pregnant and didn’t have any plans to replace it) and _sucks_ , and Benny makes a sound like he might die. Eli chuckles, and the vibrations nearly make him come right there.

                Eli doesn’t stop, two fingers gently rocking in and out of his cunt, and Benny wants to tell him that he’s not gonna break if he’s a little bit rougher, but he’s still hurtling towards his orgasm and can’t find the words in him.

                Eli stops sucking and swirls his tongue around the base of his clit. It’s another lick up the underside that sends Benny over the edge, and he can’t hold back a soft scream as he does. Eli pulls back, licking his lips, but he keeps his fingers moving slow to fuck him through the aftershocks.

                When he finally pulls his hand back and flops onto the bed next to him, wiping his fingers on the sheets, Benny’s melted into the mattress. He rolls over, his head on Eli’s chest, his leg hooked around his. Eli wraps his arm around him.

                Benny’s breath has evened back out before Eli speaks.

                “I’m not what you deserve,” the courier begins, and Benny starts to interrupt but he holds his hand up, so he doesn’t. “I’m not what you deserve, and I know I’ve been a real piece of work. I shouldn’t have done half the things I’ve done to you, and I should have apologized a long damn time ago,” he says, eyes trained on the ceiling. He doesn’t think he could look at Benny right now, not without crying, and he’d had enough of that last night.

                “Well, I’m not gonna lie and say otherwise. But I forgive you,” Benny tells him, reaching out to link their fingers together. Eli glances down at their joined hands, tracing his thumb over Benny’s knuckles.

                “I don’t think I’ll ever be perfect. But I want to be better. For you, and for Warren,” he says, and damn it but he can feel tears spill over out of his eyes and leave tracks down his face. Benny reaches up and wipes them away before he kisses him. It’s slow and soft, full of promise and hope and everything they’d never had before.

                “I love you,” Benny says, pulling back, and Eli lets out a shuddering sigh like a weight’s been lifted from his shoulders. He leans his forehead against Benny’s, a slow smile on his face.

                “I love you too,” he murmurs, and it's the first time he's said it.

                The look on Benny’s face is enough to make him forget about the Sierra Madre and the ghosts the city wouldn’t let go of.

* * *

                Benny falls asleep, but Eli stays awake and watches the light change through the window. He’d spent his whole life chasing ghosts. It was why he’d gone to the Sierra Madre in the first place, following a radio signal that he thought might chase them away.

                He knew better now. Ghosts like that wouldn’t ever be chased away. They had to be laid to rest.

                Eli looks down at the ring on his finger, and hopes it’s enough.

                It won’t be perfect. Nothing ever is. But Eli thinks of Benny, and thinks of Warren, and he thinks of his father and his mother and he knows he wants to fix this before it’s too late, knows he doesn’t want to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. He's tired of losing things. 

                It's time he fought to keep it. 

**Author's Note:**

> first off i wanna say that eli isn't done confronting what dead money did to him- that kind of trauma doesn't go away after eating your boyfriend out sadly enough. it was just the catalyst to eli realizing how wrong he was doing by benny and warren, always leaving and the like. eli's got a long road left to walk. as another aside, benny's transness isn't meant to be portrayed offensively. i'm a trans man myself, so i just shoved a lot of my feelings and thoughts onto benny and called it a day. 
> 
> thanks so much for reading. i hope you enjoyed this as much as i did writing it. and hey, if you want more, feel free to subscribe to the series. there's gonna be more coming out at some point. with that being said, also feel free to leave a comment. i'll do what i can to respond, if you do.


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